Good Girls, Bad Girls

This is in response to a blog i read entitled "Why Women Hate Whores" found on Myspace.com. It is no longer an active link.

For some men, love and sex don't mix. They save love and marriage for "good" women, and only enjoy sex with "bad" women.

Why should women be ashamed of their sexuality? In some cultures men marry women, but have sex with other women because they don’t want to “defile” the wife. They don’t seem to allow for a woman who is a wife/mother to be also a sexually active woman who has desires. If she is enjoying sex too much with her husband & getting too “kinky” then he calls her a whore…who of course he’d sleep with but not marry….I’m sure that is good for her self-esteem and encourages intimacy between them. Now, why should you have to make a distinction between whore and man whore unless, when speaking of whores we typically mean female? Why are only the females branded this way? Let’s talk about this………

On one hand you have a whore - generally thought of as "bad" and "virgin" or "woman who makes you wait awhile" - generally thought of as "good." But has anyone asked themselves why a whore is considered socially bad? Why are men who ALSO sleep with “these” women on the first date labeling the women as whores but not themselves? Did they not also give it up on the first date? And moreover if men spend so much time degrading “whore-ish” behavior why do they sleep with “whores” and marry their wife, who consequently is not often the same woman?…a shame really….Hmmmmh?? Let’s explore this further…….

The biggest problem many men have with this issue is based more around paternity than promiscuity. You see no matter how many men women have sex with, they never have to question the Maternity of their child should they end up pregnant. Men, don't know unless there’s a paternity test and/or a willingness to trust in the woman with whom they've had sexual relations. This lack of paternal knowledge, mixed with a combination of inadequate communication skills, & a decent dose of testosterone which makes them more aggressive and more sexually yearning leads many men down a self-serving pathway. They say to themselves whether consciously or subconsciously through socialization that the best way they can satisfy their sexual appetites without having to make a commitment is to devalue the women who they sleep around with. Then through the use of fear tactics he tries to enforce his wife’s loyalty to him so that he can be sure the children being taken care of are his. Saying things like “men don’t stay with women who are whores” can be motivating to a woman who puts her children above her own needs. As frankly he should, but often does not do. Need an example? Golf – every weekend…to get away from the family he’s spent so little time with all week.

Even now with a condom in place where once none existed, it is an age old socialization that actually relates back to something you said above..."if a women will f**k you on the first date, a woman will f**k anyone on the first date"...what does that really tell us? It REALLY tells us that Men Hate Uncertainty when it comes to the passing of their genes even if they are caught up in a little rubber balloon. They don't want to be committed to putting forth the efforts to support their children if they're not really certain that the child is theirs. The more "easily" a woman allows him to have sex with her, the less likely he feels that if she became pregnant the child would be his to take care of. He then takes advantage privately, degrades her socially, and all in an effort to make a case for why he doesn’t have any responsibility to her as a person. It also tells us that for many men it is easy to think of women as being different from and less valued than men.

So, men are telling women that they want to f**k them, but not make a commitment to them. You feel that whores have their place and you want them to stay in it, but they are less qualified as human beings to be married to you? Since you’re sleeping around with these women then I’d say that makes you less qualified to be with a “good woman” as well if we go by your definition of worthiness. Who are YOU that a woman should feel so honored to “save themselves” FOR you? If a woman’s sexual behavior is the defining factor for determining whether you should make a commitment, then you’ve misunderstood the meaning of commitment. Furthermore, by platonically dating her and sleeping with her best friend you are not describing commitment to the girlfriend. You’re telling the girlfriend that in general you don’t know how to honor the agreement made in the relationship…assuming this agreement is one of monogamy. Also you say that you cannot be relied upon generally as a person and definitely as a life partner because you don’t have the long-term focus to use your resources sensibly and to honor the contract between the two of you. You are more of a threat than a benefit. This is the same if you have a business partnership and one of the partners starts bugging out. It jeopardizes the whole business and leaves you in default of the contract/agreement b/n the two of you….NO DIFFERENT.

But after all the f****ing is over with and he gets what he came for (so to speak), he sets out to devalue her as a person and to convince himself to think of her as less than equal in society. He’ll f**k her, but doesn’t feel he has to respect her. All this because she, like he, has sex on the first date? No all this because he has in his mind millions of years of fear based uncertainty as to the paternity of his children – whether they are conceived or not. Each time he passes his genes, his mind considers one overarching thought – Are they my genes in that child? Then sub-questions follow. For example, what’s the chance they’re mine? Then, depending on his view of how children would affect the resources of his life he’ll either embrace a child, or try to deny it. Need an example of what I’m talking about? Turn on Maury Povich or Jerry Springer…”oh look another paternity test show.” I really haven’t seen enough of that yet!The condom & birth control have done some great things for women, but very little to ease a man’s mind of their biggest fear.However, now with DNA testing we no longer have to rely on "word of mouth" or a person's reputation alone. Ahhhh… the ability to “test for answers” to questions we used to have to rely on our partner for…. It has done so much to stimulate trust and communication skills between couples. Now we'll know right away if he's the father and he needs to step up to the plate. This “test for certainty of paternity” and the obligation that legally follows for men combined with the fact that a woman no longer NEEDS a man to take care of her just because she gets pregnant, changes the dynamics of society. He loses a lot of the leverage he once had. Things like holding financial security over her head don't fly anymore. Don't really need a guy for that anymore and women are saying...i think it would be great if you were a part of this child's life & you would have an important role, but if you aren't willing to be there for the emotional commitment to me and our child, that's too bad, but you're still paying for your responsibility.

In many ways birth control and civil liberties offer more freedom to women and more control over their bodies, minds, and life paths. In other ways it takes men, who were once just uncertain of paternity, to a new level of fear, where calling a woman a whore no longer will keep her in line. Presently, his words or slights in an effort to control, have little to no effect on how she chooses to live her life & what she can do in life. She can't be held hostage anymore if she chooses not to be.However, though everyone knows about the changes we’ve made in society with equal rights between men and women….it still takes a while for people’s brains to catch up. And we’re not there yet, but we’re getting there and we will get there. Fearing the onset of this new reality, many men only hope that that the word "whore" will continue to incite such fear that it will ensure their self-serving pathway by trying to convince a woman to see herself as less than she really is.

Many women who take men back who have mistreated them need to get their acts together as well and start having some self-respect. You need to know you're better than that. You don't have to continue to honor a contract after he dishonored it. And that's got nothing to do with your sexual activity and everything to do with valuing yourself and not being willing to accept mistreatment.Both men and women have a real learning opportunity right now. Men need to learn to value women and stop creating double standards and using brute force to enforce it.
They need to stop categorizing women in such a way that even the highest category as “wife” is still akin to slavery. And women seriously need to kick each other in the ass and start taking better care of themselves, having more self respect whether they’re sexually active or a virgin, married or single. It doesn’t matter. If the person you’re with defaults on a contract you’ve made between you, have the decency to “spine up” and kick his butt to the curb.

Good men may be hard to find, but maybe that’s because many women endorse their bad behavior too often. Truth is that, if women collectively decided that the ideal "good woman" was not defined solely by one's sex life, then became more confident in one's self as a person & providing a living with or without men around...you guys wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Because afterall...women choose men. Women give men the go ahead or the stay away signal.Women need to raise their expectations of themselves, their partners. Men and women as Parents need to stop raising boys who treat other girls generation after generation just like this and stop raising girls to accept it. And men you need to get more involved in your family life. Become an active member of the family…and no, direct deposit of paycheck is NOT what I mean. I mean be present. Be a father to your children, be a husband to your wife, be a lover to your wife. Show your children what a good man really looks like so little boys will know how to become one and little girls will be able to recognize one. Show your children what a loving relationship filled with passion really looks like. This way they know what to aim for.

There is one more aspect I ask you to consider. That is, how reading/writing a blog like this entitled “Why Women Hate Whores” or being present in a locker room full of men disrespecting women, socializes us to devalue women and at some point for some people violence against women becomes a given. NO ONE in this blog seems to be overly shocked by these words or the way women are being devalued by these sentiments...and I THINK THAT'S A SIGN of how intrinsically woven disrespecting women is into our social fabric. We accept it. We tune it out. In order for violence to occur, several things have to be present and that is how this kind of behavior can lead to violence. Consider this then First, there has to be a lack of identification with the victim. (i.e. both engage in the same behavior, but she’s a whore, he’s not) Second, there has to be a perception of the situation as one that calls for violence. Third, there has to be a decision to act violently, and fourth, there has to be a means of doing harm to the other person. All-male social groups that are disrespectful towards women provide the first part of this formula: a willingness to view women as being different from and less valued than men.

Now, maybe you say this is crap, but think about this fear and then think about the violence associated with hookers & pimps ie the core of the definition of sexually promiscuous, right? How do you think it gets from dude in a blog calling women whores and telling cyberspace that men don’t want to marry sexually active women to the violence associated with those who are sexually very active. It is a 4 step program. You’ve completed Step 1 (see above). Maybe it is time to change direction before you go any further so you can be part of a generation who stops this mistreatment instead of continuing it.